Politics
- Conservatism
- Capitalism
- Liberalism
- Socialism
- Communism
- Democracy
Conservatism (Hanging on to your conservatory)
This word is derived from the fenestrations one invariably finds attached to the back of the homes of people who vote 'conservative'. That's right - the humble conservatory. If you want to hang on to your conservatory, and stop marxists moving in to it, you vote conservative, and conserve your conservatory. But it's not just material 'stuff' conservatives want to hang on to. It's everything, as it is NOW. Where liberalism involves embracing change, or perhaps seeing it as inevitable, conservatism opposes change of any kind, unless it's a change that involves travelling back in time. Back in time to an era where men were men, and women were grateful. Back to the fifties, where everything was brown and grey. So, conservatism and liberalism mean opposite things - which is why they are in bed together at 10 Downing Street... I mean WTF is that all about, then?!
Top Quotation: 'There is nothing more disgusting in British political life than a conservative who thinks he has public opinion behind him' (Auberon Waugh)
Capitalism (Getting enough money to buy a big conservatory)
If you are a capitalist, you will have gleaned enough dosh to buy a conservatory of your very own, so you will also be a conservative. A capitalist likes capital, which is different to 'money' because of the spelling (a bit like 'security'). Hence the irregular verb: I want a capitalist; you want a man with money; she wants security...
Liberalism (Letting other people live in your conservatory)
Plus ca change! The liberal wants to move on, move forward. The liberal is into the freedom of the individual. But whereas the liberal values this for its own sake, when the conservative talks about individual freedom, he means the freedom of himself and his cronies to take your conservatory away, so they can use the bricks to make their own conservatories bigger. The liberal believes in sex and race equality, and not smacking children.
Top Tip: As a general guide, liberalism is what people say, conservatism is what they do.
Socialism
Going to live in someone else's conservatory
Communism
Inviting your friends to come and live in someone else's conservatory
Democracy
MG definition: Letting people vote occasionally for someone they don't know, who doesn't represent their views, on stuff they're not interested in, under the misapprehension that it will make a difference.